I am losing my mind...

Things were going so well. I think I am just burnt out.

Josh went up in front of the church on Sunday to join the congregation and he is going to start helping out with the music ministry. We will be getting more involved in church, which is what I have wanted for a long time, and I am really hoping this will help me get closer in my walk with God. I have started listening to all of my Christian cds that I haven't listened to in a while and I had forgotten how much I love them.

But this lack of sleep is making everything so elevated and I am just really starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm slipping. My mind is fading away. I can see it sliding down a slippery slope never to return.

And on top of everything, Tyler will not be coming home this weekend. His 1st Sgt wouldn't let him take his final PT test (to see if he graduates on Thursday or not) until he passes a diagnostic test. So now we don't even know when he will be home. He wants to quit and by this point, I don't even blame him. All of the stuff he has had to endure these last few months have made him question if he even wants an Army life after all. He has always wanted to be a history teacher and I'm sure if he decides not to finish AIT that he will start going back to school to earn a degree and teach history. He would make an amazing teacher. I wish he would just finish AIT and get it done because I don't want him to regret giving up, but we just want him home. It is, of course, his decision and we will support him regardless of what he decides. But that is just one more thing to bring me down.

Haha...yeah. He is going through all of this crap and I turn it around to something about me. How selfish do I sound right now? Ugh! I just need a break. Mom is keeping Gabriel on Friday night so I can hopefully get some sleep. I don't care what time I wake up Saturday morning, I'm not getting out of bed until at least noon. I just want some sleep!!!

Things are going a lot better with Josh but I have just been in a mood for a few days that I basically just want him to leave me alone. I want everyone to leave me alone. I just want peace and quiet and rest...yeah, definitely selfish, but I can't help it right now. The fact that I have had a headache basically every day like I used to a long time ago isn't helping either.

I was watching Spongebob Squarepants with Gabriel earlier and in one of the episodes Mr. Krabs says, "Three cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves!" and he, Squidward, Spongebob, Patrick and Sandy all just up and down and cheer, "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!" And that is what I am feeling now.

Beautiful!

This is my cousin, Kyle. The best man. He is Gabriel's buddy. I just love this picture because they were both having so much fun playing in the cooler with the ice and water and I thought it was so cute!

Another picture of the best man. The groom's brother! He looked so adorable in his vest and shorts.



The bride and groom sharing their first dance! Gorgeous!

I will post more pictures later. I have tons but I only want to put the ones I edit and make all purdyfied and such! haha. The wedding was gorgeous. They looked so happy and I couldn't be happier for my cousin and my new cousin-in-law haha. They make such a beautiful couple!

Congrats!

My cousin is getting married today. It is so hard to believe. I'm not really sure why it is hard to believe. He is older than me, and definitely older than me when I got married. He is 22 and I was 18 when I got married, but I still can't believe it. We grew up together, lived right next door for most of our lives, and maybe this is how he felt when I got married.

The girl he is marrying is just wonderful! I am so happy that he found someone as great as her. And she is so sweet. My mom described her perfectly. When you first see her you think, "she is adorable" and the longer you are around her, the more adorable she gets. She is just so genuine and wonderful. And covered in tattoos. Haha.

The only thing that is going to be missing from the ceremony is Tyler. He was supposed to be a groomsman, but when he didn't pass his PT test and had to stay for three extra weeks in basic, we knew he wouldn't be back in time to be in the wedding. We were all upset but no one more so than Jake. He and Tyler have always been close and he just couldn't believe he wasn't going to be there. But we all understood. Plus, he will be there in spirit.

I am charging my camera now so that I have a full battery. I will try to take a lot of pictures to post some on here tonight. It is going to be a lake wedding and I can only imagine how beautiful it will be.

Congrats Jake and Carrie!! We love you!!!

Yay for being pampered!!

I love getting manicures and pedicures! The design is brown, light blue, and gold glitter. I got them this color to match the dress I am wearing to my cousin's wedding tomorrow. And I got adorable shoes that match too. I will have pictures to post after the wedding sometime tomorrow night I hope. Another short entry...I will try to write a longer one later.

For April...haha

Here is a better picture to show then and now...

UGH!

All right. So the first is a picture of me at my smallest. I was a stick. The second is a picture that I took last week. Now, you can't see my legs/hips in this picture because they are ugly now and I don't want them seen, but I just really wish I could get back down to what I looked like in the first picture. To do that, I would have to lose at least 30 more pounds. I'm just not sure I can do that. I can't even lose the last 10 pounds from my first goal...and I am starting to gain some of the 20 I lost back. :( I really wish we could join the gym, but with our car situation, we just can't right now. This is a very short entry. I hope to write more later today.

Here's to Hoping

On Thursday, Josh and I had a little date night. We were going to go to dinner and a movie, but we ended up sitting in the Olive Garden parking lot for two hours just talking. At one point, I just went off on him. He has been getting upset with me because I am having a difficult time giving my all into our marriage and trying to make it work. He just couldn't seem to understand why I couldn't completely commit 100% like the flip of a switch. For those of you who know a little bit about these first three years of marriage, you can understand. But he was blind to it. I had had enough. For about thirty minutes, I did my best to open his eyes to the horrible husband and horrible father he has been...I know that sounds harsh but it is true...if you don't know my situation and would like to, I can go into a bit more detail so you can understand a little better, but I won't unless asked to.

Anyway, I cried basically the whole time just telling him how hard it has been on me and how I have felt the last three years and that he just needs to be a bit more patient with me before I am going to believe he is in it for the long haul this time. After he proves himself to me, because my trust in him is a bit shaky to say the least, then it will be a lot easier to want to make our marriage work. But my little rant apparently is what he needed. Things have been so much better for both of us. We have even been enjoying each others' company *gasp*.

I just hope things continue to get better...and I really am trying.