Saturday, May 29, 2010

I have returned!!!

Sorry about not posting for a while...(I say that like I have a lot of followers that read this every day like clockwork haha).

So they never turned our power off and we think it is because of the dogs. When Josh was talking to the lady on the phone, she asked if we had any dogs at the house and Josh said, "Yes. We have three vicious guard dogs that won't let you anywhere near the house." (they aren't really vicious, they are the sweetest dogs you will meet, but they bark like crazy whenever anyone pulls in the driveway...besides, they didn't have to know they aren't vicious haha) She asked if he could put them up and he said that he was working out of town so he wouldn't be able to. I'm pretty sure they pulled into the driveway to turn the power off, saw Apollo and how big he is plus all three dogs barking like maniacs and said, "There is no way in hell I am going down there!!" and they never turned off the power haha.

But we didn't have the money until this past Wednesday to pay our bills, including the internet bill, so I am just now getting internet back.

Gabriel and I have been back home for a week. Josh has been doing really good with no alcohol but just mediocre with everything else. I, on the other hand, have been doing horribly with what I am supposed to do.

Let me start by saying that I am the worst housewife on the planet. I admit this right out and know it is completely true. Now, what makes me the worse housewife on the planet?? I'm lazy and that is my biggest problem. I hate to clean and I don't know how to clean. Now, I know how to do the basic stuff, sure, but the deep down And maybe saying I don't know how to do it isn't the right phrase. I don't think about it. Sure, I know you have to straighten up clutter, vacuum, sweep, mop, wash clothes and put them up, wash dishes and put them up, dust...the basics...but anything more in depth than that just goes right over my head. But I would much rather sit around and do nothing all day. My grandmother and my mother are cleaners. My grandmother's house is spotless 100% of the time. In my 21 years of life, I have NEVER seen anything out of place in her house...EVER!!!! Unless the kids are playing with toys in the floor, but then she cleans those right up and it is spotless again. I wish I was like that. I really do. I wish I was one of those people that has to have everything perfect and clean and shiny and spotless, but I'm not.

And on top of not cleaning, I can't cook. I can microwave anything and I can heat up a can of soup...that's about it. And no, I am not exaggerating. Not only do I burn anything I am trying to make, but I burn myself every time I try. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! That is also not an exaggeration. And I don't have a competitive bone in my body. You know those people that try and try again until they get it right? The ones that make it personal when they don't get it perfect and they challenge themselves to do it until they can? Yeah, I'm not like that. If I don't get it right the first time, I give up.

So, really, the biggest thing that Josh wanted me to change was just to keep the house clean. Seems simple enough, right? I thought so too. But it isn't. I get so fired up about something and then it just slowly fades and I am right back where I was in the first place...sitting on the bed reading a book while the house is filthy.

And what does it mean? Does it mean that I subconsciously don't want our marriage to work so I just don't care about cleaning the house?...I do want the marriage to work...don't I?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Just Another Curveball

Well, life has been full of surprises the past few weeks and just when I thought things were starting to look up, another punch to the gut.

So, the plan was that Gabriel and I would move back home this weekend. I got a call from Josh the day before yesterday telling me that there is a slight change in plans. We can't come home and he has to come stay with us at Mom and Dad's because they are turning our power off until we can pay it in full...which is $1,700. Yeah, loads of fun. So, Josh went yesterday and sold his truck. We have to wait until Wednesday for the check to clear and then we can pay our bills but we won't have power until Friday of next week at the earliest. However, after all our bills are paid, we will have money in savings and we are going to start a budget and hopefully we can start saving money and be comfortable. We shall see.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


Ah, where to begin.

I don't want to go through all of the money gotten and lost in the three short years Josh and I have been married because I'm not sure you would believe me and also, I don't even want to think about it right now. But we are really struggling right now to pay our bills. In fact, we can't pay our bills. Josh is just now getting back into a job that pays worth a damn but we are so far behind from when he had crappy paying jobs that we can't catch up. Plus, we have to buy diapers for Gabriel and enough dog food to feed a Great Dane and two other dogs. It has been very rough and very stressful.

Well, Josh went today to get his truck appraised to see how much he could get to sell it back to Berglund. I won't say the amount, but it is enough to get us caught up on all of our bills and to have plenty in savings. Yeah, we will only have one car to share between the two of us, but we have already worked everything out with that. And not having money problems like we do now is so worth it to me to sacrifice my own car and to just have one family vehicle.

I sat down with mom tonight to figure out exactly what we owe and to start a budget. Since I will be at home while Josh is at work, I will be in charge of all the finances. I am so excited about having a budget and starting on it. Every single penny will be written into the budget and if it isn't in the budget, it doesn't get spent. I cannot wait to start that. I know that is really going to help with my stress levels. I know that no one really cares to read about my money problems but it is so nice to be able to get everything written down into a blog or online diary haha to vent I guess.

Gabriel and I are still moving back home this weekend, either tomorrow or Friday, so this is like the new beginning in every aspect of the phrase. :) yay
I was watching a movie yesterday with mom. It was called Soldier Love Story. In the story, there is a newly divorced single mother with a little boy about ten years old. The boy's father was never there and broke all of his promises and the boy was just crushed. It broke my heart to watch that little boy when his father didn't show up and all I kept thinking about was how am I going to be able to watch my own son go through that when his father doesn't show up?

I just had to be honest with Josh about what I was feeling. So I told him that sometimes I don't know if I want us to work (like I wrote in the previous blog) and he said he wanted to come over and talk. He was on his way back from work out of town and was a little over an hour away, so I sat down and talked to my mom about everything. Talking to her really opened my eyes to a lot of things and I realized that if I give up on us now, I will wonder for the rest of my life if this was the one time that things would have worked out.

When Josh got here, we sat down and talked. I told him that I didn't want to give up but things couldn't be like they used to be. I can't live like that anymore. I won't go into all the details about everything, but Gabriel and I are moving back home on Friday so that Josh and I can start working on things to save our marriage. I don't know what is going to happen but I have to try.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I am so confused...

Josh and I have been split up for only a few weeks now and he keeps begging me to come back. He swears he has changed but I just can't seem to make myself go back. Maybe I should start from the beginning...

I was 18 when we met and he was 22. We dated for three short months before we got married and then a month after we tied the knot, I found out I was pregnant. For these four months, everything was great. In the fifth month, Josh started showing his true colors. I learned that he drank and that he smoked, two things that he had kept from me this whole time. Not only did he drink, he drank a lot and often. Things started to go down hill. He wouldn't come home after work to his pregnant wife, he would go straight to a bar with his buddies and start drinking and not tell me anything and not come home until midnight or later. It continued like this from that point on.

When I was about six months pregnant, I found out that he really doesn't like kids until they are at least 5 or 6 years old and "can actually do stuff". This would have been a great thing to know BEFORE I got pregnant, but it was a little too late now. So I spent most of my nights alone reading pregnancy books completely freaking out about being a mommy so young and really having no idea what I was doing while he stayed out with his friends and drank. I hoped when our child was born, he would see what he was missing out on and change...ha ha yeah right. It only got worse.

Now I had a newborn and no experience or help. There were many nights that I called my mom at 3, 4, or 5 in the morning in tears because I didn't know what to do and Gabriel wouldn't stop crying. She would drive to my house to calm me down as well as the baby and she would get him to sleep when I was too freaked out to be of any help to anyone.

I begged him over and over to stay home with us so we could be a family. He would tell me over and over that he would change and nothing would. On our 2nd wedding anniversary, Gabriel and I left and went to stay with my parents for a while. A while turned out to be a few days. Josh begged and begged for us to come back and I finally gave in. Things got a little better but not nearly all the things he promised he would change. And the drinking was still there. I was still desperate for us to work. That wouldn't last long.

A few months ago, I got to a point in my life where I was just over it. All of it. I had a three year plan. I was going to get a job and start saving all of my money so that if things hadn't changed in three years, Gabriel and I could move out and into our own place. I didn't even care any more. I completely shut down. A few weeks after I had come to this decision, Josh decides that he wants to make things work. "I will do anything to keep you guys." "You two are everything to me." Can you blame me that I didn't believe him? I had gotten my hopes up so many times over the past two years and they just got stomped on over and over. I finally stopped caring.

Well, despite his claims, nothing changed. Big surprise. And I had had enough. Gabriel and I moved back in with my parents...again. I was determined to stay until everything had changed. I told him it was either his drinking or us. And he had to stay home with us. And the smoking had to go. Along with a lot of other things. And, yes, there are definitely things that I need to work on too, and I am fighting my own battles, but my flaws are for a whole other blogs post.

He keeps begging for us to come back and I am so scared that it is just going to be like all the other times. He keeps telling me to trust him, but I have lost all my trust in him because there are no promises that he has kept to me or to his son. Sometimes, I'm not even sure I want it to work....

I think that is the biggest thing I am dealing with right now. Do I even really want it to work? Do I love him? Yes I do. But I am so sick and tired of being let down. I want someone who is dependable and reliable. Someone that doesn't smoke or drink and who wants to be with us all the time. I want to be the most important thing is someone's life. I want to be his world. The sun rises and sets with me. I want him to be the most important thing in my life, my world, and my sun rises and sets with him. That is how it is supposed to be. I want other people to look at us as a couple and just be able to tell that we are in love. I just don't know if it will ever be like that with Josh.

I just don't know.

What am I supposed to do?

My Best Friend

I am lucky enough to have more than one close friend, but my best friend is my big brother.

His name is Tyler Duane Cook.

He has always been my hero, but he became everyone's hero in January when he joined the United States Army.

I am so proud of him but this has been the hardest few months of my life. I talk to him every day and we could only write letters to him the whole 9 weeks he was in Basic Training in Ft. Jackson, South Carolina and maybe a phone call every once in a while. I had more than one break down while he was gone just missing him more than I ever thought possible. I would reach for my phone at least once a day to text him and then remember that I couldn't and I would grow a little more depressed.

When it came time for graduation, we were so excited about being able to see him for two days. But he didn't pass his final P.T. test. We still got to see him but he couldn't graduate. So he was there for two more weeks before he passed it and then he went straight to AIT in Huntsville, Alabama. There, he could have his phone and his computer so we could talk to him but we still can't see him. Our family is very close and this has been a very trying time for us all.

I found out yesterday that he will graduate from AIT at the end of June and he will come home for the month of July. In August, he will leave for California for three or four months, be back for a month or two, and then leave in February (I think) for Afghanistan...FOR A YEAR!!!! I just can't believe it. We knew he was going to Afghanistan in February and we knew it would be for a year, but we thought he would be home from his graduation at the end of June and be home until he left...

It is going to be so hard to go that long without seeing him and talking to him. I'm pretty sure we will be able to talk to him while he is in California but we will only be able to talk to him every once in a while for the year he is in Afghanistan. I don't know how I am going to survive.

I love you, Tyler.

Monday, May 17, 2010


It is 2 a.m. and I am still awake.

I don't know what my problem is here lately. I used to sleep with no problems and now it seems like I can't fall asleep any earlier than 1 or 2 in the morning...and no, my sleeping problems have nothing to do with my two year old because he has been sleeping through the night since he was three weeks old.

I can't shut my mind off long enough to go to sleep. I stress and ponder and that might be what keeps me awake. If stress is keeping me awake then I am just screwed because I won't be anywhere near stress free for many many years I'm sure. I even have all natural sleep aids but they don't help. And it definitely isn't because I'm not tired...I'm EXHAUSTED!!!!! I feel like if I could just fall asleep and stay asleep I could quite literally sleep for days I am so tired.

Ugh!! Come on, Mr. Sandman. Give me a dream!!! I know that isn't what the song is really about (haha) but I could really use some sleep.

Josh will have Gabriel Saturday night and I will be toddler-less. Maybe I can sleep then. It has been difficult to share a room with a two year old when I am used to him having his own room. Maybe I can take some of those sleep aids and go to bed early since I won't have to worry about Gabriel's bathtime or staying awake until he falls asleep. sigh Here is to wishful thinking!!

I am going to turn the computer off now and attempt to go to sleep. Fingers crossed.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

A New Start

I had this blog to make it all about writing but I think I would rather have it just about life and be able to vent and talk about anything I wanted to.

Things that are going on in my life:

1. My son, Gabriel, just turned 2 years old!!! I cannot believe how fast he is growing up.

2. My husband, Josh, and I are separated at the moment. There are a lot of things that have lead up to this, but the biggest thing is his drinking. I didn't ever want to have to make him chose us or the alcohol but it has come to that point. He says he has finally realized that we are more important than drinking (it only took him almost three years) and as of now, he hasn't had any alcohol in over two weeks. I am keeping my fingers crossed that he will keep it up and hopefully in the near future we will be able to get back together. Gabriel and I are living back with my parents and I know that has been a strain for them as well as us.

3. I am almost to my weight loss goal of being back down to my prepregnancy weight. I have been doing Weight Watchers on my own and have lost 20 pounds with only 10 more to go! I have been slacking a little bit in these past few weeks, but starting tomorrow I am stepping up my game once again and getting back into the swing of things to lose this last 10 pounds. I don't want to brag but...GO ME!!!

Well, there are a lot more things going on in my life right now but I think I will save them for another day. Thanks for reading and tune in next time!!