Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I am losing my mind...

Things were going so well. I think I am just burnt out.

Josh went up in front of the church on Sunday to join the congregation and he is going to start helping out with the music ministry. We will be getting more involved in church, which is what I have wanted for a long time, and I am really hoping this will help me get closer in my walk with God. I have started listening to all of my Christian cds that I haven't listened to in a while and I had forgotten how much I love them.

But this lack of sleep is making everything so elevated and I am just really starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm slipping. My mind is fading away. I can see it sliding down a slippery slope never to return.

And on top of everything, Tyler will not be coming home this weekend. His 1st Sgt wouldn't let him take his final PT test (to see if he graduates on Thursday or not) until he passes a diagnostic test. So now we don't even know when he will be home. He wants to quit and by this point, I don't even blame him. All of the stuff he has had to endure these last few months have made him question if he even wants an Army life after all. He has always wanted to be a history teacher and I'm sure if he decides not to finish AIT that he will start going back to school to earn a degree and teach history. He would make an amazing teacher. I wish he would just finish AIT and get it done because I don't want him to regret giving up, but we just want him home. It is, of course, his decision and we will support him regardless of what he decides. But that is just one more thing to bring me down.

Haha...yeah. He is going through all of this crap and I turn it around to something about me. How selfish do I sound right now? Ugh! I just need a break. Mom is keeping Gabriel on Friday night so I can hopefully get some sleep. I don't care what time I wake up Saturday morning, I'm not getting out of bed until at least noon. I just want some sleep!!!

Things are going a lot better with Josh but I have just been in a mood for a few days that I basically just want him to leave me alone. I want everyone to leave me alone. I just want peace and quiet and rest...yeah, definitely selfish, but I can't help it right now. The fact that I have had a headache basically every day like I used to a long time ago isn't helping either.

I was watching Spongebob Squarepants with Gabriel earlier and in one of the episodes Mr. Krabs says, "Three cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves!" and he, Squidward, Spongebob, Patrick and Sandy all just up and down and cheer, "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!" And that is what I am feeling now.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


This is my cousin, Kyle. The best man. He is Gabriel's buddy. I just love this picture because they were both having so much fun playing in the cooler with the ice and water and I thought it was so cute!

Another picture of the best man. The groom's brother! He looked so adorable in his vest and shorts.

The bride and groom sharing their first dance! Gorgeous!

I will post more pictures later. I have tons but I only want to put the ones I edit and make all purdyfied and such! haha. The wedding was gorgeous. They looked so happy and I couldn't be happier for my cousin and my new cousin-in-law haha. They make such a beautiful couple!


My cousin is getting married today. It is so hard to believe. I'm not really sure why it is hard to believe. He is older than me, and definitely older than me when I got married. He is 22 and I was 18 when I got married, but I still can't believe it. We grew up together, lived right next door for most of our lives, and maybe this is how he felt when I got married.

The girl he is marrying is just wonderful! I am so happy that he found someone as great as her. And she is so sweet. My mom described her perfectly. When you first see her you think, "she is adorable" and the longer you are around her, the more adorable she gets. She is just so genuine and wonderful. And covered in tattoos. Haha.

The only thing that is going to be missing from the ceremony is Tyler. He was supposed to be a groomsman, but when he didn't pass his PT test and had to stay for three extra weeks in basic, we knew he wouldn't be back in time to be in the wedding. We were all upset but no one more so than Jake. He and Tyler have always been close and he just couldn't believe he wasn't going to be there. But we all understood. Plus, he will be there in spirit.

I am charging my camera now so that I have a full battery. I will try to take a lot of pictures to post some on here tonight. It is going to be a lake wedding and I can only imagine how beautiful it will be.

Congrats Jake and Carrie!! We love you!!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Yay for being pampered!!

I love getting manicures and pedicures! The design is brown, light blue, and gold glitter. I got them this color to match the dress I am wearing to my cousin's wedding tomorrow. And I got adorable shoes that match too. I will have pictures to post after the wedding sometime tomorrow night I hope. Another short entry...I will try to write a longer one later.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

For April...haha

Here is a better picture to show then and now...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


All right. So the first is a picture of me at my smallest. I was a stick. The second is a picture that I took last week. Now, you can't see my legs/hips in this picture because they are ugly now and I don't want them seen, but I just really wish I could get back down to what I looked like in the first picture. To do that, I would have to lose at least 30 more pounds. I'm just not sure I can do that. I can't even lose the last 10 pounds from my first goal...and I am starting to gain some of the 20 I lost back. :( I really wish we could join the gym, but with our car situation, we just can't right now. This is a very short entry. I hope to write more later today.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Here's to Hoping

On Thursday, Josh and I had a little date night. We were going to go to dinner and a movie, but we ended up sitting in the Olive Garden parking lot for two hours just talking. At one point, I just went off on him. He has been getting upset with me because I am having a difficult time giving my all into our marriage and trying to make it work. He just couldn't seem to understand why I couldn't completely commit 100% like the flip of a switch. For those of you who know a little bit about these first three years of marriage, you can understand. But he was blind to it. I had had enough. For about thirty minutes, I did my best to open his eyes to the horrible husband and horrible father he has been...I know that sounds harsh but it is true...if you don't know my situation and would like to, I can go into a bit more detail so you can understand a little better, but I won't unless asked to.

Anyway, I cried basically the whole time just telling him how hard it has been on me and how I have felt the last three years and that he just needs to be a bit more patient with me before I am going to believe he is in it for the long haul this time. After he proves himself to me, because my trust in him is a bit shaky to say the least, then it will be a lot easier to want to make our marriage work. But my little rant apparently is what he needed. Things have been so much better for both of us. We have even been enjoying each others' company *gasp*.

I just hope things continue to get better...and I really am trying.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

One Thing At A Time

I am getting ahead of myself...in my mind, that is.

Before I can do all of the things I want to do, I have to start at ground level. All right, so what is ground level for my goals?

1. Ground Level-->Join a gym with a pool. Get in the water everyday. This will not only help me get into shape, but it will help me get used to the water again. (Oh, how I have missed it) And I can bring my fins and get used to using them everyday. Okie dokie. So I looked up prices and we can afford to join as a family. I will have to get up early, take Josh to work, go straight to the gym, put Gabriel in the childcare room, and get in the pool. After that, I will go home and do my regular wife duties and then go pick Josh up from work. This is easy. And, hopefully, this weekend, we can go take a tour of a few different gyms and chose the right one for us.

2. Level 1-->Join a S.C.U.B.A. class and be on my way to becoming certified. There are many levels of certifications leading up to being an instructor. I have to have a certain number of hours of pool dives and open water dives and specialty classes. I was thinking about doing underwater photography because that is a great hobby in itself and it seems like so much fun. That could also be another job opportunity...if I lived closer to the ocean. You can't really take good pictures in a murky lake.

3. Level 2-->Save up enough money to buy my own equipment. This could be a while just because S.C.U.B.A. equipment is insanely expensive. Why is it that Josh and I both have such expensive habits. Music equipment is expensive too haha. Anyway, I could save and get really great equipment. Hopefully by the time I need to buy some, we will have a lot more in savings than we do now and it won't be such a problem to save up to get some of my own equipment.

4. Level 3-->If we were ever at a place in our live where we could move closer to an aquarium so that I could get a job in one, I will have reached all of these other requirements. I looked up employment opportunities at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. They require 30 hours of open water dives to get in the tanks and clean them and feed fish. I would once again have to start at the bottom of the food chain with volunteering or just cleaning tanks for minimum wage or something, but there is always an opportunity to move up in the world.

If I look at it this way, there are only four levels and it doesn't seem like that hard to do. Just take it one step at a time and go from there.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I am in desperate need of a break...an escape from reality. Being stuck at home all day every day with no opportunity to go anywhere is really starting to leave its mark on me and on Gabriel. We are growing very tired of each other and I am pretty sure I am going to be insane within the next month or two if I keep going like this. I am sleep deprived, which doesn't help anything, and I'm not even sure why I can't sleep...I just can't. Ugh!

The good news is, I have exercised every day except for today...but I still might a little later...and I am thinking about going for a run this weekend if I can get someone to watch the munchkin. I am still excited about everything, but I know it is going to take a while...but I don't want to talk about that because I don't want to bum myself out haha. This blog entry is about my escape.

When my brother gets back from AIT, we are going to Kentucky. That is going to be such a blast. I'm still not sure what we are doing, but whatever we end up doing is going to be great. That is definitely a much needed vacation!

My best friend, Jess, is getting married August 8 and I'm a bridesmaid. All of the bridesmaids are having a Tasteful Treasures party and then going to Greensboro, North Carolina to Arizona Pete's at the end of July. It is going to be a nice weekend away and my parents are taking Gabriel to Natural Bridge for the weekend. I can't wait for that.

But my birthday is August 22 and all I wanted was a day spa getaway. I was hoping my besties Jess and Ally could come with me and we could just have an awesome girl's day with massages and pedicures and facials and just a wonderful day of pampering. I just hope my sanity can make it until then.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


This is definitely the motivation I needed to get back on track. If I am going to be a S.C.U.B.A. instructor and I am going to be in a bathing suit for a living, I have to look AMAZING!!!!!!!

So, here we go. Starting right now, I am going to start watching what I eat and how much I eat and I am going to start exercising and running and just getting in shape. Toned and Tan. That is my new goal. Toned and Tan!

Ally is going to be my accountability partner. Keeping me on track and focused and I am going to help her too because she wants to lose weight and get in shape too. When I just don't feel like exercising or want to eat something not good for me, I will just text her and she can help get me eyes back on the prize.

I bought a new bathing suit yesterday and it is adorable! It doesn't look terrible on me but it could definitely look better. The top is blue with white stars and the bottom is red and white stripes. American flag represent! Haha. And I think I am going to go to Walmart and get the bottom that is blue with white stars too. That way I can be American flag or just a star! Haha! Ok, corny, I know, but I am just so excited about getting in shape and tan and starting to get back into S.C.U.B.A diving. I just can't wait.

Bikini body, here I come!

Friday, June 11, 2010


So I stayed up til almost 3 a.m. this morning thinking about what I had written in my last blog. I took multiple career aptitude tests that all told me the exact same thing and nothing that helped me at all. But then I started to just think about what I would love to do all day every day.

I kept thinking about that saying, "If you love what you do, you won't work a day in your life."

But what do I love? The ocean, swimming, being in the water, sharks, marine animals, exploring, etc.

All right. Now I know what I love so what kind of job could I do that includes that? I was talking to my bestie Ally about how fun it would be to work in an aquarium and dive with the sharks and teach the little classes they have on sharks to help people understand them a little better. It hit me. That would be my perfect job right there.

Of course, I was so excited! I could actually do that. I'm not S.C.U.B.A. certified but I could easily be and I always wanted to be so that works out perfect too.

Well, when I got into the bedroom, Josh was awake so we started talking. I asked him if I found a job that I love but it required us to move, would he be willing. He said no. Yeah, that kinda stunk. And I know it would be a big huge thing to move our whole family somewhere near an aquarium so I could get a job.....but I was so excited about finally finding something that I really want to do that I tried not to let it bother me. Maybe I could get S.C.U.B.A. certified and then train to be an instructor. I could help other people get certified. I would be in the water all day and it would still be fun. And eventually, maybe, if a job did present itself and we were in a place where we could move closer to an aquarium, I could still have my perfect job.

I am going to talk to my dad about it later today when I go to his house. He knows a lot of S.C.U.B.A. divers and instructors and he would probably have a better idea about everything. Even if I don't become an instructor, I am definitely going to get certified because I have let my love of swimming and the ocean go for too long.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I've been thinking...

Yes, it is true. I have been doing some thinking since my last blog...and no I didn't hurt myself! (haha)

Now, I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes in this blog, if you don't want to hear my opinions or what I believe about God and Christianity, then just don't read this particular entry.

I was raised Baptist. I was brought up in the church and raised with Christian morals and ideals yet I have never really been all that religious. I think I was scared away from it the older I got but maybe not the way you think.

My cousin and I grew up together. She lived two doors down from me and we used to hang out all the time. The older we got, the farther apart we grew. I was never a bad kid. In fact, I was a saint compared to most of the kids I went to school with, but she was getting more and more religious and I was as bad as the Black Plague. She was one of those radical Bible pushers. The ones that give Christianity a bad name. You know what I am talking about. Anyway, I never wanted to be like that. It always seemed fake to me. I believed in God, I still do, but I have just never really took it as far as she, and all the other people I know like that, did.

I never wanted to be a fake Christian or a radical Christian or one of those that flaunts their religion just for attention. I wanted it to be real and genuine and sincere. I wanted to have it for the right reasons. I'm still not sure what the right reasons are anymore, but I am in desperate need of something.

I know God can help me if I just ask. I know he can get me through anything if I only ask, but I don't want to be selfish. Most of the time when I pray, it is asking for something to help me and for selfish reasons. I still haven't found the right reasons to have a closer relationship with him.

When I was 16, I became very depressed...like most teenagers do...and I started cutting. (Now, there is a big huge history that goes along with this too that I am not going to get in to right now, but this was just not a good situation.) I cut for about six months, but I didn't do it like other cutters. Instead of side by side lines on my wrists or other parts of my body, I did them in random places on my arms and legs so that I could pass them off as cat scratches. Well, it worked for a while, but I was found out and reported to my parents. (This goes into another big huge long story that I might save for a later blog entry if anyone wants to know.) Anyway, I started going to counseling and after a long time, and a lot of outside help from my friend Jess, I stopped cutting and turned into a completely different person. I still wasn't religious, but I felt that God had allowed me to go through all of the pain and such with the cutting so that I could help other young teens going through the same thing. I wanted to be a psychologist or something of the sort that dealt with teens and depression.

Somewhere along the way, I lost my motivation. I lost my drive. I was going to be great. I was going to make something of myself....and now look at me. I am going no where in my life. I'm not doing anything.

Part of what I was thinking was just praying about my situation with Josh. I don't know if any of you have watched the movie Fireproof. It is an amazing movie. I have the Love Dare that he does throughout that movie and I was thinking about doing that. I know it will help if I could just make myself do it everyday.

The other part is...I want to go back to school and get a degree. I want to start doing something and making something of myself, but I don't know what. I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore. There are a million things I used to want to do. I wanted to be a marine biologist and work with sharks. I have always loved sharks and they are so fascinating but do I have what it takes? I'm not good at anything so I really don't even know where to begin, I just know I really want to find out what my calling is in life.

Like in the movies...

Well, I don't really want to go into a lot of detail on my marital problems right now because, let's face it, I know you guys don't care, but I do want to vent a little bit.

I know that all married couples have problems and that the first few years of marriage are the hardest, and I also know that after being married for a long time, the excitement dies down and you get so used to each other that a lot of things change. I get that. But, come on! Josh and I have only been married for a little less than three years and it is already so stale and...well, boring. I feel like we have been married for twenty years.

I should still get butterflies in my stomach whenever he walks into the room. My heart should still melt every time he smiles at me...to be honest, he should still smile at me. It is like there is just no love left...or maybe it was never there to begin with.

Now, as for the title, 'like in the movies...', I know that they are movies and they aren't real. Blah blah blah. I understand that, but if people in real life loved like people do in the movies...*sigh* I'm not asking for a fairy tale ending, but I would for it to be a lot happier than it is now.

The men in the movies and love songs are so romantic. They would do anything for their wife/girlfriend/love interest. I feel like Josh could just care less most of the time. I always pictured myself with a military man because of their morals...and of course men in uniform are sexy! Josh isn't a romantic at heart and I definitely am. I know we rushed into things and that really screwed everything up, but will things always be like this? So stale and boring? So dull and drab and...mediocre?

I feel like I deserve better. I don't mean this to sound snooty or anything, but I deserve the man of my dreams. All women deserve the man of their dreams. Now, of course, the men in our dreams are perfect and no man will ever be perfect (no matter how much they think they are), but I'm just not sure the life I am living now will ever be the dream in my head.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I haven't written anything in a while and I just figured I would write a little bit and maybe put some song lyrics in here. I love music but I listen to country music the most. Here are a few things that make country music the best...in my opinion.

1. I grew up in a military family and was raised to be very patriotic. A lot of country songs are patriotic and talk about how great it is to be an American (even if things are a little down hill at the moment), and how American soldiers are heroes. I am a big softie anyway, but I cry just about every time I hear a song about an American solider. And it has just gotten worse now that Tyler is in the Army.

2. The songs that aren't patriotic are songs that I can relate to. I'm not a redneck but I am country (there is a fine line between the two) and proud to be. I love the songs that I can't help but smile when I listen to the lyrics because I know exactly what they are talking about.

3. Country songs are so easy to sing to. I don't know if I am that great of a singer but I love to sing. And country is definitely the best genre of music to sing along with.

4. The love songs' lyrics talk about how love is supposed to be. I will give an example. Lee Brice's song Love Like Crazy is an amazing song. The chorus says: Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse 'I Love You'. Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense. Always treat your woman like a lady, never get too old to call her baby, never let your prayin' knees get lazy, and love like crazy...this is just so sweet.

5. There is a song for every mood that you are in no matter what and for every situation. They can bring you up and give you hope in a bad situation, they can make you feel better about a decision you made, just about anything.

This song is what is helping me with my situation with Josh.

I Keep On Lovin' You
Reba McEntire

Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the believe in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turn arounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look as us now

That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you

Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs
I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous
Oh, I keep on lovin' you

I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs
I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous
Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you

Saturday, June 5, 2010

He is growing up so fast...

I can't believe how fast Gabriel is growing up. We switched his bed from a crib to a toddler bed last night. He hadn't had a nap all day, so he was pretty exhausted, and he fell asleep about ten minutes after I put him in bed. He stayed in the bed and I'm pretty sure he was even laying down the whole time or at least sitting down. He is still asleep too.

I almost cried last night when Josh switched the beds. I was just standing there looking at it and I was struck by how fast time really does fly. My baby is growing up.

It seems like just yesterday that we were in the hospital when I had him, and now he is two years old, and sleeping in a big boy bed, and his vocabulary keeps growing by the day. After he is potty trained, the next thing I know, he will be in school.

Josh keeps saying he wants to have another baby soon. Well, I would love to! I really would. I want to be pregnant again and have a little bitty baby to hold again, but there is no way we are ready for another baby right now. Sure, our money situation is definitely better now than it has been our entire marriage, but we just got back together from being split up. I don't think we are in the right place as a couple to even think about bringing another baby into this world.

Plus, I don't get the house clean now with just me and a toddler running around, I don't know why he thinks adding another person to that mix is going to make the house get any cleaner. If anything, it will get worse. I really just want to wait until Gabriel is at least three before I get pregnant again, maybe even four.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Good News!!

My last entry was a little depressing to say the least so I have decided to write a happy blog about all the good things happening right now.

1. I got my big, sturdy bookshelf yesterday!!! It was my parents' bookshelf but they went through all their books and wanted to get rid of some of the shelves they had and I got my favorite one. It is only four shelves where my other one was five shelves, but this one is much sturdier. I can pile as many books on each shelf as I want and it won't bother it a bit. Plus, I can put books on top of this one (and I have already) because my other one was so flimsy you couldn't put anything on top of it. I am so excited about it. I only got about 50 more books on this one than I had on my other one, but it just looks so much better. And there is room for more books too! YAY!!

2. I mailed the last two overdue bills today so we are all caught up! Hooray for being debt free! And Josh got paid today twice the amount I have in the budget...this means that we can put a few hundred dollars in savings every paycheck and we will have a nice large amount to add to what we have left over from Josh selling his truck. We will be able to save up for a nice big vacation when Tyler gets back from AIT.

3. Tyler graduates from AIT the 29th of this month! I can't wait until he is back! He is only here for a month before he leaves to go to California for training but that is a month that we will be able to see him. 4. And we are going to Kentucky to visit my family when he gets home too because we haven't seen them in a while. We are going to be gone a week and we are going to do all kinds of fun stuff. Amusement parks, aquariums, museums, shopping, relaxing, spending time with family. I can't wait!!

5. Josh and I are doing pretty good. We haven't been back together for that long and I know that there is still a long way to go before we are going to be really happy, but being caught up on all of our bills has really taken a lot of stress out of our lives and that helps. I am hoping that once we put new tires on the truck, and really get into the budget and start paying our bills on time, I will be able to sleep better and that will REALLY help!!

6. The house is clean...ish. I'm not going to say it looks great but I will say it is mediocre. I cleaned it because we were having people over yesterday for Memorial Day and I had to clean our room to be able to get the new bookshelf in. I put a load of dishes into the dish washer and when that is finished, I am going to do a few small loads of clothes and just straighten up a bit and then I will have maintained it for the day.

That doesn't really seem like a lot when I put it out in writing, but it is a lot to me. It feels nice to write out all of the good things for a change.