I have returned!!!

Sorry about not posting for a while...(I say that like I have a lot of followers that read this every day like clockwork haha).

So they never turned our power off and we think it is because of the dogs. When Josh was talking to the lady on the phone, she asked if we had any dogs at the house and Josh said, "Yes. We have three vicious guard dogs that won't let you anywhere near the house." (they aren't really vicious, they are the sweetest dogs you will meet, but they bark like crazy whenever anyone pulls in the driveway...besides, they didn't have to know they aren't vicious haha) She asked if he could put them up and he said that he was working out of town so he wouldn't be able to. I'm pretty sure they pulled into the driveway to turn the power off, saw Apollo and how big he is plus all three dogs barking like maniacs and said, "There is no way in hell I am going down there!!" and they never turned off the power haha.

But we didn't have the money until this past Wednesday to pay our bills, including the internet bill, so I am just now getting internet back.

Gabriel and I have been back home for a week. Josh has been doing really good with no alcohol but just mediocre with everything else. I, on the other hand, have been doing horribly with what I am supposed to do.

Let me start by saying that I am the worst housewife on the planet. I admit this right out and know it is completely true. Now, what makes me the worse housewife on the planet?? I'm lazy and that is my biggest problem. I hate to clean and I don't know how to clean. Now, I know how to do the basic stuff, sure, but the deep down clean...no. And maybe saying I don't know how to do it isn't the right phrase. I don't think about it. Sure, I know you have to straighten up clutter, vacuum, sweep, mop, wash clothes and put them up, wash dishes and put them up, dust...the basics...but anything more in depth than that just goes right over my head. But I would much rather sit around and do nothing all day. My grandmother and my mother are cleaners. My grandmother's house is spotless 100% of the time. In my 21 years of life, I have NEVER seen anything out of place in her house...EVER!!!! Unless the kids are playing with toys in the floor, but then she cleans those right up and it is spotless again. I wish I was like that. I really do. I wish I was one of those people that has to have everything perfect and clean and shiny and spotless, but I'm not.

And on top of not cleaning, I can't cook. I can microwave anything and I can heat up a can of soup...that's about it. And no, I am not exaggerating. Not only do I burn anything I am trying to make, but I burn myself every time I try. EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! That is also not an exaggeration. And I don't have a competitive bone in my body. You know those people that try and try again until they get it right? The ones that make it personal when they don't get it perfect and they challenge themselves to do it until they can? Yeah, I'm not like that. If I don't get it right the first time, I give up.

So, really, the biggest thing that Josh wanted me to change was just to keep the house clean. Seems simple enough, right? I thought so too. But it isn't. I get so fired up about something and then it just slowly fades and I am right back where I was in the first place...sitting on the bed reading a book while the house is filthy.

And what does it mean? Does it mean that I subconsciously don't want our marriage to work so I just don't care about cleaning the house?...I do want the marriage to work...don't I?