Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I am so confused...

Josh and I have been split up for only a few weeks now and he keeps begging me to come back. He swears he has changed but I just can't seem to make myself go back. Maybe I should start from the beginning...

I was 18 when we met and he was 22. We dated for three short months before we got married and then a month after we tied the knot, I found out I was pregnant. For these four months, everything was great. In the fifth month, Josh started showing his true colors. I learned that he drank and that he smoked, two things that he had kept from me this whole time. Not only did he drink, he drank a lot and often. Things started to go down hill. He wouldn't come home after work to his pregnant wife, he would go straight to a bar with his buddies and start drinking and not tell me anything and not come home until midnight or later. It continued like this from that point on.

When I was about six months pregnant, I found out that he really doesn't like kids until they are at least 5 or 6 years old and "can actually do stuff". This would have been a great thing to know BEFORE I got pregnant, but it was a little too late now. So I spent most of my nights alone reading pregnancy books completely freaking out about being a mommy so young and really having no idea what I was doing while he stayed out with his friends and drank. I hoped when our child was born, he would see what he was missing out on and change...ha ha yeah right. It only got worse.

Now I had a newborn and no experience or help. There were many nights that I called my mom at 3, 4, or 5 in the morning in tears because I didn't know what to do and Gabriel wouldn't stop crying. She would drive to my house to calm me down as well as the baby and she would get him to sleep when I was too freaked out to be of any help to anyone.

I begged him over and over to stay home with us so we could be a family. He would tell me over and over that he would change and nothing would. On our 2nd wedding anniversary, Gabriel and I left and went to stay with my parents for a while. A while turned out to be a few days. Josh begged and begged for us to come back and I finally gave in. Things got a little better but not nearly all the things he promised he would change. And the drinking was still there. I was still desperate for us to work. That wouldn't last long.

A few months ago, I got to a point in my life where I was just over it. All of it. I had a three year plan. I was going to get a job and start saving all of my money so that if things hadn't changed in three years, Gabriel and I could move out and into our own place. I didn't even care any more. I completely shut down. A few weeks after I had come to this decision, Josh decides that he wants to make things work. "I will do anything to keep you guys." "You two are everything to me." Can you blame me that I didn't believe him? I had gotten my hopes up so many times over the past two years and they just got stomped on over and over. I finally stopped caring.

Well, despite his claims, nothing changed. Big surprise. And I had had enough. Gabriel and I moved back in with my parents...again. I was determined to stay until everything had changed. I told him it was either his drinking or us. And he had to stay home with us. And the smoking had to go. Along with a lot of other things. And, yes, there are definitely things that I need to work on too, and I am fighting my own battles, but my flaws are for a whole other blogs post.

He keeps begging for us to come back and I am so scared that it is just going to be like all the other times. He keeps telling me to trust him, but I have lost all my trust in him because there are no promises that he has kept to me or to his son. Sometimes, I'm not even sure I want it to work....

I think that is the biggest thing I am dealing with right now. Do I even really want it to work? Do I love him? Yes I do. But I am so sick and tired of being let down. I want someone who is dependable and reliable. Someone that doesn't smoke or drink and who wants to be with us all the time. I want to be the most important thing is someone's life. I want to be his world. The sun rises and sets with me. I want him to be the most important thing in my life, my world, and my sun rises and sets with him. That is how it is supposed to be. I want other people to look at us as a couple and just be able to tell that we are in love. I just don't know if it will ever be like that with Josh.

I just don't know.

What am I supposed to do?

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