Confused and Crying

Anyone who knows me or has read any of my venting blog entries about marriage knows that Josh and I have had a pretty rough go of it the three years we have been married. Sometimes I feel like a lot of the love that was there in the beginning isn't there anymore. It's dead. It isn't good when sometimes all you want to do is stick your nose so far into the book you are reading hoping that he will just go to sleep and ignore you instead of wanting to talk or cuddle...and I love to cuddle so that is saying a lot. A marriage shouldn't be like that, and yet here it is. He has asked me numerous times if I still want to be with him and I always say yes just so the conversation will end...but the truth is, I'm not really sure.

I know that God hates divorce and that the only reasonable (Biblical) ground for divorce is adultery, but what if the love just isn't there anymore. Do I love him? Yes. But I know I don't love him like I used to. I feel like I have to stay with him because I made him quit drinking if he wanted us to stay...and I'm pretty sure that if we didn't make it, he would probably start drinking again...but that isn't enough reason to be with someone.

I'm so confused. We stay mad at each other more than we are happy with one another. It definitely gets more complicated since we have Gabriel...and I have said more than once that if we didn't have Gabriel, I know for a fact that we wouldn't still be together...so does that mean that I am only with him because we have a child together?

Ugh! I am just so stupid! Why on EARTH did I get married when I was 18? No one knows what they really want when they are 18! Of course, I have grown up more in the last 3 years that I ever thought possible (mostly due to becoming a mommy), but I was just an ignorant 18 year old then. A stupid teenager that made two of the biggest decisions of their entire lives a month apart (that would be getting married and then getting pregnant) and then thought..."Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?"...but it was too late.

My thoughts are all scattered. I wish someone could sweep in with a magic wand and make everything better. Make all of the decisions for me. And help me make up my mind about what I really want to do with my marriage...

Medieval Faire

Gabriel and I went to the Medieval Faire today with Mom and Dad and it was amazing.

I got the cutest picture EVER!...

Adorable, right?? Anyways...I ended up sitting in a field by myself watching the Highland games. Now, this might seem really boring to some people, but it was actually great. Dad was off chasing the munchkin and Mom and Penny were gone to the store. It was just me watching a bunch of guys in kilts trying to outdo each other. And as I was sitting there, I thought to myself..."What is up with me and finding guys in skirts so friggin sexy?!?!"

I mean, come on, first I do an entry on ancient Romans and their sexy military uniforms that just happen to be skirts and I didn't really touch on kilts. My heritage is Scottish with a little bit of Irish thrown in there too, so I think it might just be in my blood to love a man in a kilt. And bagpipes! I LOVE bagpipes!!

Have you all seen Made of Honor? In the movie, when they are in Scotland doing the Highland Games (the very thing I was watching at the Medieval Faire) and Kevin McKidd is in his Scottish attire...know what I am talking about? He is a fairly attractive man anyway, but put him in a kilt with a strong Scottish accent *phew*. I have no earthly idea why she left him for Patrick Dempsey. She's insane. Anywho! Am I the only one who thinks kilts are sexy?

I tell ya what, I was almost drooling today watching these men in kilts. I can't even tell you what I find so appealing about them, but...MMMmmmm!!!! haha.

Now, I tried to find some nice pictures to go along with this entry but I couldn't really find any that I liked all that much. You will just have to take my word for it! :)

Today

I forgot how much I hate having to wait for one episode of a show every week instead of waiting until the seasons come out on DVD. The Vampire Diaries second season started last week. I didn't finish the watching the first season on DVD in time to watch last week's episode but I watched it online so that I could start watching the second season on TV every week. I love it, but I hate waiting. I want to be able to watch the next episode or put in the next disc to keep watching. Sigh. Oh well.

So, today has been interesting. My cousin was supposed to get married last year, but her fiance ended up going to rehab for a drug addiction and it was a year long program. He got out in May of this year and they set the wedding for October 2...well, it turns out that rehab didn't help. In fact, he traded in his drug of choice for an even worse drug this time. She called off everything yesterday and she has been very upset...duh, anyone would be...so we spent the day with her and some other family members. She has a long road ahead of her, but we are a close family and she knows she has our support.

It is hard when your significant other has an addiction. Of course, Josh and I were already married when I found out about his and she found out before they got married. I was also pregnant before I really understood the severity of the situation...but then again, Josh quit without going to rehab. If I had been confronted with this before we got married, things could have been a lot different.

I don't really have a lot to say in this entry but I wanted to write something. I will write more later when I have a bit more to say.

The Star-Spangled Banner

We only sing one verse of our National Anthem but the fourth verse needs to be sung as well. Here are all five verses of The Star-Spangled Banner. Please take the time to read them all and really pay attention to the lyrics.

O! say can you see by the dawn's early light,

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,

Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight,

O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming.

And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there;

O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,

Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,

What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,

As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?

Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,

In full glory reflected now shines in the stream:

'Tis the star-spangled banner, O! long may it wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore

That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion,

A home and a country should leave us no more!

Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution.

No refuge could save the hireling and slave

From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:

And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand

Between their loved home and the war's desolation!

Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land

Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,

And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

When our land is illumined with liberty's smile,

If a foe from within strikes a blow at her glory,

Down, down with the traitor that tries to defile

The flag of the stars, and the page of her story!

By the millions unchained, Who their birthright have gained

We will keep her bright blazon forever unstained;

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave,

While the land of the free is the home of the brave.

Yummy!

First of all, that is my new favorite word. I use it all the time in a million different ways. Moving on.

There once was an amazing show called Moonlight. It starred the sexy Alex O'Loughlin. But, for some insanely stupid reason, the show was canceled after one season and the whole world wept. In my opinion, that was the best vampire show ever! It was so great! The new vampire craze now is the Twilight saga and movies and True Blood. Vampires are in. I will confess that I do like Twilight but I never could get into True Blood, although I have heard good things about it. There are other shows, but none of them could come close to Moonlight.

However...

My brother bought and let me borrow the first season of The Vampire Diaries and...I am in love again! I still think Moonlight is better, but I am so hooked on The Vampire Diaries and I have only watched the first seven episodes. It doesn't hurt that it has Paul Wesley in it. I loved him in Fallen. It was a mini series about fallen angels, for those of you who don't know what it is, and he was great in that. He is even better in The Vampire Diaries. And soo hot!!



If you don't believe me, have a look for yourself...



Now, there are some similarities between Mr. Wesley here and the oh so popular Mr. Pattinson as Edward Cullen, but Paul Wesley is soo much cuter than Rob Pattinson.

I am pretty sure that I did my List of Five blog entry too soon because there are a lot of changes to be made. I might have to do an updated entry on my improved List of Five...Paul Wesley definitely deserves a spot! And he is indeed yummy!




Does anyone else like Moonlight or The Vampire Diaries?

Gone But Never Forgotten

Cupcake

Isn't this the most glorious looking cupcake you have ever seen? It is about the size of 2 regular sized cupcakes combined and it was sooooo good!! I just love the icing petals. It is such a unique and cute idea. I had to go get dog food and baby wipes but I was craving a cupcake...this is what I came home with haha. This is my breakfast and lunch and I am saving some room for pot roast tonight! Yummy! Can you tell that I am so hungry?! Haha. But it isn't obvious!

I love Bible study!

So...a quick update on my previous entry. I didn't do as good today as I hoped I would, but I did all right. And I haven't lost my drive, I am just easing myself into it and I am still confident in my will power. Tomorrow will be even better than today! :)

All right, now for my actual entry to go along with the title. I started a Bible study with a friend of mine today. She lives ten minutes away from me and she has two small children, a little girl and a boy a month older than Gabriel. It is really a perfect setup because while we are doing our Bible study at her house, the kids can run around and play together and have fun. I have known Sherry for a very long time and I have always looked up to her for her strong faith. When I need some Christian advice or just to talk about something that I am dealing with in my faith, she is the one I go to.

The study is called The Invisible War: Everything you need to know about Satan, Demons, and Spiritual Warfare. It is the perfect study for what I have been dealing with lately. Everything we talked about today with the first lesson opened my eyes and made me look at everything differently. She knows a lot of the problems that Josh and I have been going through since we got married over three years ago, and they completely fit in. I'm not sure if there is a specific reason or if it is just because of how he is, but Satan wants my marriage to fail. He almost succeeded. But Sherry said something that really made me think. "Satan wants your marriage to fail, so you should be fighting for that most of all." All of these thoughts that I have been having within the last few months, are all Satan trying to bring me down.

The memory verse that we are learning this week is my new motto. It is my new favorite Bible verse and it is going to be my motivation and my strength.

Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of
his might. Put on the full armor of God, that you may be
able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.
-Ephesians 6:10-11

No matter what Satan throws my way, the armor of God will protect me. I LOVE this verse.

I know that God's angels are all around, but there was a passage of scripture we read today that was so powerful to me. It is 2 Kings 6: 15-17. Elisha and his servant are surrounded by an army of men. The servant is terrified because they are so outnumbered but Elisha says, "Don't be afraid. Those who are with us are more than those who are with them." The servant is confused because there are only two of them so Elisha prays, "O Lord, open his eyes so he may see." The Lord opens his eyes and he looked around and saw...'the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.' That line right there just gives me chills. The servant couldn't see the mighty Heavenly army of angels on the hill but they were there nonetheless. God's angels are surrounding us so that we are never outnumbered against our foes...no matter what they are. That is a very comforting thought to me.

I can't wait until next week when we do the second lesson. I have already done my homework and read the passages that we just skimmed through during the lesson and wrote in my Bible journal. Today was just so wonderful! I know not all days are going to be like this, and I will really have to work to stay in the word and to go to Him instead of having pity parties, but I know I can do it!

The Power Within

All righty, so here is the deal. I went with my brother today to get his first tattoo. After Roger (the tattoo artist) was finished, just randomly, he points to the tattoo on my left foot of a moon and stars and says, "That tattoo looks like shit." It caught me off guard. I basically just huffed a nervous laugh. He is completely right. Some of the lines are bigger than others and it just looks cheap and boring, so I know it looks like crap, but to have an artist come straight out and say it was a bit of a low blow. I wanted to add some color to it and have someone else even up the thickness of the lines and make it pretty but I don't want a lot done to it because I like it on the side of my foot. I don't want anything on the top of my foot, or rather the center of the top of my foot. But that isn't the only thing that put me in an Eeyore kinda mood...

While I was sitting there at the tattoo shop, I was sitting on a tattoo table right in front of a huge mirror. I won't go into detail, but I basically sat there and critiqued myself the entire time and I came to one very interesting conclusion...I am completely and totally disgusting. Now, I'm not huge. I know I have a pretty face and I love my hair, (so I'm not a complete loss haha) but from the neck down is in desperate need of some help. I'm definitely better than I was when I first had Gabriel, but it isn't enough.

For those of you who knew me in high school, you know that I was tiny. I've always had curves and, duh, I know I always will, (and I also know that I will probably never be back to the exact same shape that I had back then because I did push a child through my hips) but I want to get as close to that as possible. When I was at my smallest, I hardly ever ate. And when I did, it was very small portions. I was just never hungry, but I think it was more than that. I think I was so desperate to stay skinny that I forced myself to think I was never hungry. Mind over matter. To get back to that mindset is really going to take some major will power. I'm talkin' ironclad stuff here! My will power used to be amazing. I have really let myself go. But I'm sick of it.

My new goal is Halloween. I was to get one of those really sexy/cute outfits like the fairies with the tights and the short skirts, or the nurse, or policewoman, army chick, etc. You guys all know what I am talking about right? Of course you do. So that is my goal. Thirty pounds by October 31st (or a little before because I need a costume before then). Yes, I know that sounds like a lot and it probably isn't very safe or healthy, but I don't really care anymore. I will worry about healthy when I'm not fat anymore.

I'm not going to starve myself. If I was, I wouldn't be saying it to everyone in a blog, I would be doing it in secret...I am just going to take a normal portion of what I would regularly eat and cut it in half. Then I am going to take that half and cut it in half again. I'm going to eat it super slow so I get full faster and I am not going to snack during the day (that's where the will power comes in). I'm too lazy to workout, so I am just going to get exercise when I can and not worry about doing it every day. I bought some dark chocolate before I got to the tattoo shop today, so I am just going to eat one small piece every day instead of eating it all in one sitting.

Yay for will power!

Ah, the joys of marriage...

I know I am not the only woman in the world that feels like her husband doesn't listen to a word she says, so everyone should be able to relate to this blog entry.

I also know that every marriage has its problems, but I am just going to rant and rave about some things and you can read them or not.

Josh always says we need to talk more. He just wants us to talk about anything and everything. This should be a good thing, right? A step in the right direction...but nothing is ever that easy. Here lately, we will be talking about whatever comes to mind and that will remind me of something else...so, naturally, I will tell him about it. He shuts off. Like someone flicks off a light switch. He won't answer me, he starts doing something else, completely ignoring me. I stop talking, sometimes not even finishing what I was saying, and there is a long awkward silence (unless Gabriel is around, in which case, we usually get distracted by him).

But, the first time it happened, it completely threw me off. I asked, "Honey, did you hear me?" and his reply was, "Uh huh." without even looking at me. It made me mad. I thought maybe he just got distracted by something else...but the more he does it, the madder I get. I know, that isn't the right thing to do, but there isn't a whole lot else I can do. It is so frustrating. It happens at least once a night. I have just cut down on what I tell him so that he can't blow me off as many times.

Now, I know he is tired. He has been working basically non stop for a while now. But when I am tired and someone says something to me that I don't hear, I usually say, "I'm sorry, I zoned out, what did you say?" and then I really try to pay attention to what they are telling me. I don't think he is like this because he is just tired. It is like he just could really care less about what I am telling him.

How would you guys react to this? What should I do the next time this happens? Am I completely overreacting about this?? Help!

Because I have nothing better to do...

I know I basically had all of this stuff written in a previous blog, I was tagged in a note on Facebook and I was bored so I did it. Twenty five random things about me. There are some similar ones to the other post but there are some new things too. And I have nothing else to blog about right now, so this is what you get!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, thoughts, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people know most of these things about me...but here goes anyways...

1. I am a cat person turned complete dog person!

2. My eyes are my favorite feature.

3. My dream job is anything having to do with scuba diving with sharks.

4. I love the fact that I am a bookworm...and if that makes me a geek then I wear the name proudly!

5. Country music will always be my favorite type of music. I love the lyrics and how I can relate to them and I love how patriotic most country artists are and the songs they sing to show it..and I have always wanted to sing in a country group.

6. The only thing about myself that makes me feel sexy here lately is my hair.

7. I would love to go to Scotland and Ireland and spend no less than a month just exploring and enjoying and relaxing.

8. I love being laid back, but I wish I was more OCD about some things.

9. I love that my Great Dane Apollo thinks he is a lap dog and that he climbs into bed to cuddle with me.

10. If I had the money and a big huge fenced in yard, I would have no less than five Great Danes...and some German Shepherds.

11. In my personal opinion, fire fighters and military men will always be the sexiest men in uniform.

12. The Backstreet Boys can always put me in a better mood. I know every word to every song on their earlier cds...before they split and came back to make more cds...and I'm not ashamed of that fact. And, even though I do get picked on about this, I really don't care. I love them!

13. Peanut butter is my comfort food. I could eat an entire jar in one sitting.

14. I love my tattoos and I can't wait to get more.

15. I love my piercings and I can't wait to get more of those either.

16. I LOVE swimming. The water is so relaxing and I wish I could spend more time swimming and enjoying it.

17. Some days I like my singing voice and some days I don't but I always love singing.

18. War movies make me cry. Even if they aren't supposed to be sad, my patriotic upbringing has made me understand the sacrifice and the courage that is protrayed in these movies. It literally moves me to tears...as corny as that sounds.

19. If I ever win the lottery or become rich and famous, the first place I am going shopping is Barnes & Noble. I could spend very large quantities of money in that store.

20. Moths freak me out. I don't like spiders or bees or basically any bug really but moths really just give me the willies!

21. I would love to learn how to ballroom dance.

22. I have a lot of 'ticks', but my biggest one is playing with my ears. I mess with my ears and my earrings constantly when I am bored or nervous or talking to someone...or when I just don't have anything else to do with my hands.

23. I think my imagination has only gotten bigger as I get older. I love to day dream!!

24. If my hair is pulled back in a ponytail, I feel naked if there isn't a pencil stuck in it.

25. My favorite sound in the entire world is...silence.

So, there you have it. Enjoy! I can't wait to hear your answers.

You can do this if you would like to or you can just comment on my answers. Whatever floats your boat!! :)