Anyone who knows me or has read any of my venting blog entries about marriage knows that Josh and I have had a pretty rough go of it the three years we have been married. Sometimes I feel like a lot of the love that was there in the beginning isn't there anymore. It's dead. It isn't good when sometimes all you want to do is stick your nose so far into the book you are reading hoping that he will just go to sleep and ignore you instead of wanting to talk or cuddle...and I love to cuddle so that is saying a lot. A marriage shouldn't be like that, and yet here it is. He has asked me numerous times if I still want to be with him and I always say yes just so the conversation will end...but the truth is, I'm not really sure.
I know that God hates divorce and that the only reasonable (Biblical) ground for divorce is adultery, but what if the love just isn't there anymore. Do I love him? Yes. But I know I don't love him like I used to. I feel like I have to stay with him because I made him quit drinking if he wanted us to stay...and I'm pretty sure that if we didn't make it, he would probably start drinking again...but that isn't enough reason to be with someone.
I'm so confused. We stay mad at each other more than we are happy with one another. It definitely gets more complicated since we have Gabriel...and I have said more than once that if we didn't have Gabriel, I know for a fact that we wouldn't still be together...so does that mean that I am only with him because we have a child together?
Ugh! I am just so stupid! Why on EARTH did I get married when I was 18? No one knows what they really want when they are 18! Of course, I have grown up more in the last 3 years that I ever thought possible (mostly due to becoming a mommy), but I was just an ignorant 18 year old then. A stupid teenager that made two of the biggest decisions of their entire lives a month apart (that would be getting married and then getting pregnant) and then thought..."Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?"...but it was too late.
My thoughts are all scattered. I wish someone could sweep in with a magic wand and make everything better. Make all of the decisions for me. And help me make up my mind about what I really want to do with my marriage...
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