Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Power Within

All righty, so here is the deal. I went with my brother today to get his first tattoo. After Roger (the tattoo artist) was finished, just randomly, he points to the tattoo on my left foot of a moon and stars and says, "That tattoo looks like shit." It caught me off guard. I basically just huffed a nervous laugh. He is completely right. Some of the lines are bigger than others and it just looks cheap and boring, so I know it looks like crap, but to have an artist come straight out and say it was a bit of a low blow. I wanted to add some color to it and have someone else even up the thickness of the lines and make it pretty but I don't want a lot done to it because I like it on the side of my foot. I don't want anything on the top of my foot, or rather the center of the top of my foot. But that isn't the only thing that put me in an Eeyore kinda mood...

While I was sitting there at the tattoo shop, I was sitting on a tattoo table right in front of a huge mirror. I won't go into detail, but I basically sat there and critiqued myself the entire time and I came to one very interesting conclusion...I am completely and totally disgusting. Now, I'm not huge. I know I have a pretty face and I love my hair, (so I'm not a complete loss haha) but from the neck down is in desperate need of some help. I'm definitely better than I was when I first had Gabriel, but it isn't enough.

For those of you who knew me in high school, you know that I was tiny. I've always had curves and, duh, I know I always will, (and I also know that I will probably never be back to the exact same shape that I had back then because I did push a child through my hips) but I want to get as close to that as possible. When I was at my smallest, I hardly ever ate. And when I did, it was very small portions. I was just never hungry, but I think it was more than that. I think I was so desperate to stay skinny that I forced myself to think I was never hungry. Mind over matter. To get back to that mindset is really going to take some major will power. I'm talkin' ironclad stuff here! My will power used to be amazing. I have really let myself go. But I'm sick of it.

My new goal is Halloween. I was to get one of those really sexy/cute outfits like the fairies with the tights and the short skirts, or the nurse, or policewoman, army chick, etc. You guys all know what I am talking about right? Of course you do. So that is my goal. Thirty pounds by October 31st (or a little before because I need a costume before then). Yes, I know that sounds like a lot and it probably isn't very safe or healthy, but I don't really care anymore. I will worry about healthy when I'm not fat anymore.

I'm not going to starve myself. If I was, I wouldn't be saying it to everyone in a blog, I would be doing it in secret...I am just going to take a normal portion of what I would regularly eat and cut it in half. Then I am going to take that half and cut it in half again. I'm going to eat it super slow so I get full faster and I am not going to snack during the day (that's where the will power comes in). I'm too lazy to workout, so I am just going to get exercise when I can and not worry about doing it every day. I bought some dark chocolate before I got to the tattoo shop today, so I am just going to eat one small piece every day instead of eating it all in one sitting.

Yay for will power!


  1. Please be careful! You are beautiful the way you are! I hope you reach your goal, but I hope you do it safely too. I love you and I'm always here for you!

  2. I agree with Allyson. I too hope you reach your goal - but be careful. You are the hottness as it is, just so you know. ;)