Yes, it is true. I have been doing some thinking since my last blog...and no I didn't hurt myself! (haha)
Now, I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes in this blog, if you don't want to hear my opinions or what I believe about God and Christianity, then just don't read this particular entry.
I was raised Baptist. I was brought up in the church and raised with Christian morals and ideals yet I have never really been all that religious. I think I was scared away from it the older I got but maybe not the way you think.
My cousin and I grew up together. She lived two doors down from me and we used to hang out all the time. The older we got, the farther apart we grew. I was never a bad kid. In fact, I was a saint compared to most of the kids I went to school with, but she was getting more and more religious and I was as bad as the Black Plague. She was one of those radical Bible pushers. The ones that give Christianity a bad name. You know what I am talking about. Anyway, I never wanted to be like that. It always seemed fake to me. I believed in God, I still do, but I have just never really took it as far as she, and all the other people I know like that, did.
I never wanted to be a fake Christian or a radical Christian or one of those that flaunts their religion just for attention. I wanted it to be real and genuine and sincere. I wanted to have it for the right reasons. I'm still not sure what the right reasons are anymore, but I am in desperate need of something.
I know God can help me if I just ask. I know he can get me through anything if I only ask, but I don't want to be selfish. Most of the time when I pray, it is asking for something to help me and for selfish reasons. I still haven't found the right reasons to have a closer relationship with him.
When I was 16, I became very depressed...like most teenagers do...and I started cutting. (Now, there is a big huge history that goes along with this too that I am not going to get in to right now, but this was just not a good situation.) I cut for about six months, but I didn't do it like other cutters. Instead of side by side lines on my wrists or other parts of my body, I did them in random places on my arms and legs so that I could pass them off as cat scratches. Well, it worked for a while, but I was found out and reported to my parents. (This goes into another big huge long story that I might save for a later blog entry if anyone wants to know.) Anyway, I started going to counseling and after a long time, and a lot of outside help from my friend Jess, I stopped cutting and turned into a completely different person. I still wasn't religious, but I felt that God had allowed me to go through all of the pain and such with the cutting so that I could help other young teens going through the same thing. I wanted to be a psychologist or something of the sort that dealt with teens and depression.
Somewhere along the way, I lost my motivation. I lost my drive. I was going to be great. I was going to make something of myself....and now look at me. I am going no where in my life. I'm not doing anything.
Part of what I was thinking was just praying about my situation with Josh. I don't know if any of you have watched the movie Fireproof. It is an amazing movie. I have the Love Dare that he does throughout that movie and I was thinking about doing that. I know it will help if I could just make myself do it everyday.
The other part is...I want to go back to school and get a degree. I want to start doing something and making something of myself, but I don't know what. I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore. There are a million things I used to want to do. I wanted to be a marine biologist and work with sharks. I have always loved sharks and they are so fascinating but do I have what it takes? I'm not good at anything so I really don't even know where to begin, I just know I really want to find out what my calling is in life.
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