Thursday, June 10, 2010

I've been thinking...

Yes, it is true. I have been doing some thinking since my last blog...and no I didn't hurt myself! (haha)

Now, I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes in this blog, if you don't want to hear my opinions or what I believe about God and Christianity, then just don't read this particular entry.

I was raised Baptist. I was brought up in the church and raised with Christian morals and ideals yet I have never really been all that religious. I think I was scared away from it the older I got but maybe not the way you think.

My cousin and I grew up together. She lived two doors down from me and we used to hang out all the time. The older we got, the farther apart we grew. I was never a bad kid. In fact, I was a saint compared to most of the kids I went to school with, but she was getting more and more religious and I was as bad as the Black Plague. She was one of those radical Bible pushers. The ones that give Christianity a bad name. You know what I am talking about. Anyway, I never wanted to be like that. It always seemed fake to me. I believed in God, I still do, but I have just never really took it as far as she, and all the other people I know like that, did.

I never wanted to be a fake Christian or a radical Christian or one of those that flaunts their religion just for attention. I wanted it to be real and genuine and sincere. I wanted to have it for the right reasons. I'm still not sure what the right reasons are anymore, but I am in desperate need of something.

I know God can help me if I just ask. I know he can get me through anything if I only ask, but I don't want to be selfish. Most of the time when I pray, it is asking for something to help me and for selfish reasons. I still haven't found the right reasons to have a closer relationship with him.

When I was 16, I became very most teenagers do...and I started cutting. (Now, there is a big huge history that goes along with this too that I am not going to get in to right now, but this was just not a good situation.) I cut for about six months, but I didn't do it like other cutters. Instead of side by side lines on my wrists or other parts of my body, I did them in random places on my arms and legs so that I could pass them off as cat scratches. Well, it worked for a while, but I was found out and reported to my parents. (This goes into another big huge long story that I might save for a later blog entry if anyone wants to know.) Anyway, I started going to counseling and after a long time, and a lot of outside help from my friend Jess, I stopped cutting and turned into a completely different person. I still wasn't religious, but I felt that God had allowed me to go through all of the pain and such with the cutting so that I could help other young teens going through the same thing. I wanted to be a psychologist or something of the sort that dealt with teens and depression.

Somewhere along the way, I lost my motivation. I lost my drive. I was going to be great. I was going to make something of myself....and now look at me. I am going no where in my life. I'm not doing anything.

Part of what I was thinking was just praying about my situation with Josh. I don't know if any of you have watched the movie Fireproof. It is an amazing movie. I have the Love Dare that he does throughout that movie and I was thinking about doing that. I know it will help if I could just make myself do it everyday.

The other part is...I want to go back to school and get a degree. I want to start doing something and making something of myself, but I don't know what. I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore. There are a million things I used to want to do. I wanted to be a marine biologist and work with sharks. I have always loved sharks and they are so fascinating but do I have what it takes? I'm not good at anything so I really don't even know where to begin, I just know I really want to find out what my calling is in life.

1 comment:

  1. Those who think they know everything are the ones who know absolutely nothing. And doubt shows that you are thinking about things. What better way to start?

    If you think that those people who seem to have it all, have it figured out, look closer. They're often just as scared as you are. They're just at a different stage in their life, thats all. I'm a year away from getting my degree. Do I know what I'm going to do? No. I want to write, but who knows how that's going to pan out? So going to school, doing those things, doesn't take away stress or uncertainty. It adds it, if anything. Because you're working towards your goal, your dream, and you still don't know if it's going to work.

    But that's what makes it so much sweeter when something DOES happen the way you want. When you do achieve those goals, it's that much better. You don't need to know what your dreams are to start working towards them. Just do what feels natural. If you listen carefully to what your heart is telling you, you'll figure it all out. Eventually. I promise.